Friday, April 29, 2011

V is for Vajazzling!!! (not Vodka)

That's right, you read my title correctly, V is not for Vodka...not today.  It probably would have been if one of my besties Steph hadn't said she already know what my V day would be.  So I didn't do it.  However I have to confess that all morning long I was going about my day thinking about what I would post about instead and in all honesty I couldn't get past 'not vodka'.  So I pop onto IM with Steph and explain the mental block she created for me and gave me many good suggestions.  At the top of my favorites was Vagina.  Which reminded me of Vajazzling.  See how that works? 

Now I know that vajazzling is hardly breaking news.  Jennifer Love Hewitt made it public knowledge in her interview with George Lopez as he stared slack jawed as she explained it.  It's an old interview from January of last year but I'm going to put it here (I hope it works) in case you missed it.  Very entertaining stuff.  

When I first saw it I had my million dollar idea.  Wax for melting and fabric strips, craft jewels and hot it yourself, redneck vajazzling kits. But don't you know I didn't hop on that wave fast enough.  Before you knew it you could get it done in spas, and even get adhesive designs on transparent plastic and do it yourself in the comfort of your own home.  Missed the boat.  Damnitall.  

Now its everywhere apparently.  When trying to find an appropriate picture for this post there were pages and pages of Google images.  Some were quite pretty and there were some things that I really never, ever needed to see.  And guys, I have to ask....if you were getting your groove on with a girl and got down there to find this...what would you think? Seriously, I'm curious.  Not sure that's the word I'd choose but to each their own.  

However, in my research this afternoon I've found proof positive that the fad has gone too far. 

Yes, I know it's probably photo shopped, at least I hope to God it's photo shopped, however if you do a google image search for pejazzle (what?  I was curious if the guys did it too) there are pics on there very inappropriate to our little blog community.  

Thursday, April 28, 2011

U is for Unrequited defines 'unrequited' as an adjective meaning not returned or reciprocated (as in love).  I am about to share with you my first and so far only negative thing that I have to say about my new locale.  I love Idaho, I love my new little town and I love most of the people in it.  Starting to get the feeling they don't feel the same way 'bout me.  Can you even imagine it?  

I mean everyone is nice enough, at least on the surface, but as spring starts to set in and I break out my colorful spring wardrobe that consists of bright colors and loud floral prints, it becomes more and more obvious that I am different.  Like a wild growing flower among the sagebrush.  I love Darling Husband so much when he says things like this to me.  

He explains to me that it will take people a while to adjust because here the men tend to be particularly controlling and the women walk around with their eyes downcast.  I'm the opposite of that and some people find it threatening.  Apparently all the men want to do me and all the women want to be me.  Seriously, you've no idea how hard I'm laughing at that idea.  

The reason that I find that idea so amusing is that every woman I know (or knew previous to the move) is just like me.  Large personality, eyes up, tits out, and we speak our minds to whomever happens to be in earshot, we make decisions about our daily lives and our children and we if you don't like it fuck off already.  In Carolina, I was just another woman, timid by comparison to some of my friends.  

Apparently by Idaho standards then, we would all be lacking in the proper social graces, clueless about our appropriate 'place' in our marriages and entirely too headstrong.  I'm so fortunate that Darling Husband wouldn't have me any other way, wild and untamed (who knew? certainly not me).  He loves that I have opinions and know my own mind.  He loves that I wear makeup and apparently here have the ability to make a statement without saying a word.  I just hope that my neighbors will become my friends soon and return some of the hospitality and friendship we are trying to put out there.  

Anyway, I'll adjust.  Signed your wild growing, emotionally unhousebroken, opinionated, flower.  Maybe you should call me Audrey.  LOLOLOL

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

T is for Trust

Okay, time again to get off my dead ass and get this blog challenge knocked out.  Today's topic is trust.  How hard it is to get it and how easy it is to lose it.  Also, my dismay at my continuing naivete with people.  Clearly I don't have good discernment when it comes to people in my life that I share confidential information with.  This isn't a new problem and I would expect to have at least learned from it by the ripe old age of 40 years. 

Darling Husband says that it is because I expect everyone to be the same as me.  I judge everyone's potential actions based on what I would do.  I have to take a moment to break my arm patting myself on the back because I am an excellent secret keeper.  I have several friends who trust me because they know that they can tell me anything and I won't judge or tell.  I know where ALL the bodies are friends and neighbors and the information is going to my grave with me.  

Today was another hard lesson in who you can trust and who you cannot.  There is someone who worked on the same account as me but was let go.  I was talking to her on the phone just bitching about stuff and she was totally sympathetic and knew, totes KNEW that it needed to stay between us.  This morning I wake up to a complete shit storm because she has emailed all of my virtual co-workers (excluding me of course) her condolences for our plight, naming me as the source where she got her information.  (As an aside, she didn't get all of her information from me).  If that weren't bad enough, one  of my virtual co-workers forwarded said email to our lead, who decided rather urgently to rip me a new asshole. 

This is all so middle school I don't think I can stand it.  However junior high it may be I did block her from my AIM and un-friended her on facebook.  Yeah, I know, petty, but I was hurt and angry.  Still toying with the idea of forwarding her original email back to her saying something like "Seriously?  What. The. Fuck?"  Long story short, I shouldn't have said anything at all to her then she wouldn't have been able to spin my words because there wouldn't have been any words for her to spin, unless she made them up, which she might have done.  Who the fuck knows? 

On the upside I do trust Darling Husband to color my hair which he did for me last night.  He's been doing it for me for so many years that I can't even count them now.  I don't remember.  It is copper penny red and beautiful.  Thank you Darling Husband.  I love you. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

S is for Spring Scene and Sake

So excited actually using one of my own pics!!  Only other time I've ever done that is for the rack pics.

It really is too bad that I'm WAaaaay past E in the alphabet because this weekend has been really nearly perfect. Earth Day celebrations and community Easter egg hunts at the local marina.   

The weather has been nearly perfect these past two days, I spent time with my family and no one got yelled  at (mostly) and no one got whiney (even me!!).  Well sort of not me.  On the up side it was warm enough that I didn't need a jacket but cool enough that I didn't sweat so my makeup didn't melt.  Yay!!!    On the downside, by the time we were done at the Earth Day celebration in the park yesterday I was tired and there was still shopping to do.  We didn't get all the shopping done and when we got home 

Darling Husband and I then spent until there was no more light left yesterday fencing off parts of the yard to keep the dog safe and so she could have somewhere outside to go without being on a leash.  Once we were finally done with all that, we were done.  We had purchased 3 bottles of sake from the liquor store on Friday while running our errands and got store bought sushi ( yeah, I know, but you do what you can) at the Fred Myer.   So we heated our sake and ate our sushi.  Good news, it was quite yummy, all of it.  Bad news, we drank all three bottles.  Wowee, wow, wow.  If you've never had a sake hangover, you really don't want one.  I've managed to get past it now (still thinking a bloody mary would make me right) and we took the kids out to the community Easter Egg hunt at the marina.  Seriously, I've never seen anything cuter in all my life.  I know any sort of major Easter egg hunt, particularly the ones where you don't have to hide and dye your own eggs, are pretty flipping neat.  But this was especially so.  The well manicured lawn, the fact that they dyed the eggs for the older kids 10+ grey and hid them among the grey and beige foliage on the hill.  And I don't think I'll ever get tired of looking at that huge reservoir.    Now, I'm thinking it might be time for a little nappy.  All in all, it's been a busy weekend.  But a really, really good one.    

Friday, April 22, 2011

PQR - What? It's one letter, right?

I know that I am probably not allowed or supposed to do this but I have to probably at least triple up on my blog posts to get caught up.  I'm a rule breaker, what can I say?  

P is for pukey and puny which I have been for the past few days.  Don't know what happened to me, maybe it was K for Karma because the dog was apparently sick and had diarrhea all over the house the other night, so I woke up to 'presents' all over the house.  Needless to say I was mad at the dog and put her outside on a short lead for..a while.  Within a couple of hours I started feeling intestinal distress and my anger at the dog quickly turned to sympathy for her.  

Q is for quirky.  I think that we've already established that I have quirks.  And thank goodness for them.  At least being quirky makes me interesting.  Some of the time anyway.  If you know me in real life you might find my quirks less interesting and more annoying.  Darling Husband either finds them charming or has developed the ability to successfully ignore them. 

R is for roadblocks that are thrown up in our way sometimes.  They are often frustrating, and most of them time there is more than one in a row.  Like when the Universe really wants you to slow down and take a powder.  Stop and think about things.  My problem with roadblocks is that I have the hardest damn time trying to decide if I should heed them or plow the fuckers over and keep pushing forward.  I tend to think that when you are on the right path it's as effortless as breathing.  That there should be no roadblocks.  But what if....I mean, just what if....they are only there to test your resolve? 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

O is for Octopuses

Blue-ringed octopus

That's octopuses, not octopii thankyouverymuch.  My youngest, my aspie boy, has a thing for octopuses.  And it's pretty amazing really.

He can tell you how many species of octopus there are.  289 if you are interested.  He can tell you how many hearts they have.  3 if you care to know. And how many mouths?  They have a single mouth with a hard beak. They have no internal or external skeleton which makes them vulnerable to all predators.  They expel ink to confuse potential threatsHe can even tell you the color variations...there are as many as there are the habitations in which they live. All of this I've learned from him and verified online. 

I apologize for this being such a short post, but really when I think O's all I can think is octopuses.  Well, and orgasms and that's a whole 'nother thing.  That really doesn't belong on the same post as my youngest son's favorite thing.

I'm sure you all appreciate the distinction that I am making here. 

Love to you all, see you tomorrow.

Monday, April 18, 2011

N is for New Beginnings

I wish that I could tell you all that this was my very own picture, but it isn't.  However I am happy to report that in late April in Idaho, my grass is indeed turning green and the trees and bushes are budding. That's a type of new beginning.  

I've always loved springtime, whether it happen in February as in Carolinas, or in April as it is here.  Every fruit tree flowers before it does anything and many other plants do also.  Other than the pretty, girly colors, I love spring because to me it represents a new birth.  From the cold and hibernation forced of winter.  Seeing that transformation gladdens my heart.  

However, this year I have another new beginning.  That would be us beginning in a new place.  It has its own special place in my heart. When we arrived there wasn't much scenery to speak of, other than the snow capped mountains in the distance.  Most of the terrain was yellow or beige with hibernation.  Lots of overcast skies due to ice rain and snow storms coming in from the west coast.  

Suddenly I'm seeing beautiful sunsets out my kitchen and master bedroom windows and I feel an amazing peace and joy at the beauty of it.  As I see the frisbee golf course a block down go from dead looking beige to green I am filled with awe and wonder at the new beginning.  Yes, I know spring happens every year, nearly everywhere, but I feel it especially now because it isn't the same rebirth that I've seen so many times in my youth.  This is a new beginning that for me is truly new and I remind myself to savor it every single day.  

Sunday, April 17, 2011

M is for Missionaries

Apparently being the town lushes has its perks.  We've been visited by the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints and the Assemblies of God so far.  In each case I accepted their literature politely although I don't believe that I'll be attending any of their 'churches'  

Let's look at them in order of fucked-upness in my opinion.  By the way, this is firmly tongue in cheek, I have no desire to debate religion with anyone, and am fully aware that even the some of the most basic Christian tenets are likely full of crap.  Personally, I think some of my friends who practice paganism and wicca may have it more close to right than most of us. 

So the Jehova's witness...where to even begin.  I've been raised to believe that heaven is a really big place.  Big enough in fact to accomodate all who believe and are saved by the grace of God and all that. The JH believe that there is room in heaven for 144,000. And, and, and....135,000 have already been chosen.  The rest who will be chosen whenever they are chosen must live this perfect life in comparison to everyone else or something like that.  So 9,000 slots left in heaven for all the rest of humanity.  I'm not sure I'm liking the odds of that lottery.  

The Mormon's (LDS-ers) believe in a heaven that is big enough for everyone but they draw some sort of odd distinction between Immortality and Eternal Life.  I went to the FAQ page, and it says that our purpose of life on this earth is to teach us (so far so good) and prepare us, that was along with our families might, live with the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ eternally.  Might?  So we could have a fighting chance?  You think?  and then when you read farther down 'your spirit doesn't die, got to the spirit world where you may be with loved ones who have passed on.  Wait, just a second ago we are told that our purpose is to prepare us that along with our families we might live with our love ones.  But now you're saying that could not be the case?   Ehhhh, I don't know.  

The Assemblies of God are Christians who are very fundamental in their beliefs.  My problem with them is not what happens when you die, it's their attitude about women. The ones that I have experienced expect women to not have piercings, wear jewelry or makeup or pants.  There are Biblical references for all of these things, but clearly modesty has never been my thing (reference the H post and rack award).  

We'll find a nice church where we fit in.  At some point.  Really all religion is a way to control the masses.  And I moved to Idaho to not be controlled.  Hmmmm....

L is for Lush and Liquor (they really do go hand in hand)

I know, I'm behind on my A-Z's (again).  I may have mentioned that I'm really not the most disciplined today I'm going to post on the letter L.  And maybe even make a second post for M.  That will depend on the level of inspiration.  

In North Carolina, sales of alcoholic beverages are strictly regulated and you and only purchase 'booze' (beer and wine you can get in most grocery stores) you have to go to the 'ABC store.  No lie.  It stands for Alcoholic Beverage Control. It's also sort of appropriate because some of the sales supposedly go to fund the k-12 schools.  Seems to me they should be sending a greater percentage to the schools because last I checked they were ranked 22nd among all states for education and South Carolina (just a few miles away) dead last.  But I digress.   

Here in Idaho, there are independent liquor stores.  So you can go into the grocery and get liquor.  In fact, we have asked the lady who does the liquor ordering to order, special, for us, 100 proof vodka by the half gallon.  A case of it, every two weeks.  Do we really anticipate we'll drink that much, probably not....maybe?  Yes, that's right,we've moved to Idaho and already are making ourselves known as the town lushes.  Eh, you know what?  I said when we moved here that I was going to be me, because me is a pretty good person and make no apologies for it.  So here's to the town drunks...*grin*

Here's my thing though, if you are going to be an independent liquor store (and you KNOW they make a ton off profit off the sales of alcohol) then perhaps you  ought not look down your self-righteous nose at those who make the purchase.  Something to think about. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

K is for Kisses

I know that I am a sentimental sap, a hopeless romantic, all that stuff.  But there is something about a kiss......

There is something so intimate about putting your mouth on someone else's.  Having your breath so close to their breath.  Feeling their heartbeat next to your heartbeat.  I think that I could kiss the right person for hours and hours.  

But not all kisses are epic, such as the one in the pic above.  I've had lots of bad kisses in my life.  There is the 'snake tongue' kiss.  That is the one where the other person's tongue is all hard and they just keep darting it in and out of your mouth.  Seriously, who told them that was a good idea.  Completely skeeved me out and we didn't go out again.  

There is the 'stick it down your throat kiss'.  This is when you kiss someone and they shove the entire length of their tongue into your mouth until you think you might strangle on it.  Kissing is sort of a give and take in my opinion, don't force it.  Please!!!!  

There is the kiss that starts out good and then they start to suck on the end of your tongue to the point that it hurts.  It's like they are trying to put a hickey on the end of your tongue.  Maybe they do it because they like it done to them, or maybe no one has ever told them that its fucking painful.  

Oh my God....let me not leave out the sloppy kissers.  No offense, but if you are kissing someone don't drool all over their face.  Girls don't like it because it messes up our makeup (and for other self-explanitory reasons) and guys don't like it because their faces get chapped from the amount of wet in cold or windy weather.  *shudder*  It can be like kissing one of those big drooly dogs...think Hooch...

It doesn't have to be this breed.  Any type of jowl-y dog will do.  You get the idea.  

On the upside, kissing the right person can be magical.  Like spending several moments, or perhaps even many perfect sun kissed days, maybe an eternity, in this specific heavenly bliss.  You lose all track of time, place, and everything other than that one thing that you are engaged in.....that KISS. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

J is for Jackasses

This started out to be a really rant-y post about how when you choose 'quality of life' and 'self employed' you get screwed over at every turn.  However, several vodkas and half a valium later I don't have the energy for rant-y.  I don't think.  

I'm treading a fine line here because I signed a master services agreement to not really tell or explain what I do in detail to the general public.  Why that is required?  No idea.  So here's the scoop.  I work for/with a company and they are the ones who make the direct deposits (twice a month, minus their service fee) based on invoices generated from the clients we service.  

I've already established that my client is a major electronics manufacturer and distributor and that I work a chat application.  I could probably get termed just for that bit of info, but that isn't going to stop me tonight.  I am pressing on. 

Not to bore anyone but you need to understand the situation and why I'm so troubled by the Jackasses that be (aka the Powers that Be).  I am responsible for a group of work at home chat agents.  I report to a PCL (Performance Compliance Lead) who works for the company that issues the direct deposits.  They are also responsible for the number of hours we are allowed to take.  Usually, when the week starts on Sunday you know what your cap is for your hours and you can ration your time and plan accordingly.  Even though that rarely matters because you end up working twice as many hours as you post and get paid for making your hourly wage roughly half of what it is 'supposed' to be.  

More and more they are micromanaging how we do our jobs.  More meetings that seem to have no purpose other than to make sure we are at our desks at a certain time every day, placing requirements on things that 'must' be done, and all within the time allotted.  Here's the rub.  Can't all be done in the time allotted.  Allow me to be super fucking way can it all get done in the time allotted.  But because I (and my co-workers who do the same as me) are dedicated we do it anyway.  FOR FREE.  Yeah, we're suckers and we know it.  

This afternoon we get an email from the PCL for our account that notifies us that we have taken another hit for hours and not just for next week. oh no!!!  They subtracted 5 hours from the week we are currently in!!!  Long and short....I'm out of time and thinking that I won't be working any more this week.  Yes, I know because I know myself that I won't be able to do that because I have a responsibility to my group (aka my peeps) but damn yo.  This working for myself thing, isn't working out so good.  Thinking I need to spread my eggs among some other baskets. 

PS - had to come back to say that overall I like not having to trudge into an office every day or even put on makeup every day for that matter.  We just have to choose how much abuse we are willing to take for that privilege.  It's all relative, I suppose.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I is for Indecision

Before I dive into indecision, I have to confess that I was milking my H day for as long as possible because  unlike some bloggers, I am a shameless attention whore.  That being said, we can now move onto 'I'.  I'm pretty sure that I'm running out of grace (non-posting) days so I really have to get a move on!

I may be the most indecisive person I know.  It isn't that I am afraid of making decisions.  I'm perfectly capable of doing so.  But often times I simply prefer not to.  What I mean is if it isn't important to me, I'm content to go with the flow of whoever is directing the traffic.  For example Darling Husband says I'm taking your out for dinner, where would you like to go?  My answer 'where ever you want Love'.  Why?  Because I honestly don't care where we go, mostly, as long as we are out together.  

I tend to think this makes me easier to deal with because I'm so flexible, but he more often than not finds it really irritating.  Wow, another 'I' word....hmmmm.   He simply wants an answer rather than having to read my mind.  And it doesn't matter to him that my answer was completely honest and it really doesn't matter to me where we go eat.  He has accused me of being incapable of making a decision which as I mentioned simply isn't true.  

On the decisions that do matter to me I'm still indecisive but for an entirely different reason.  On the 'important' decisions I spend a long time thinking about the 'what ifs'.  Because I want to be absolutely sure that I'm making a proper decision.  So every scenario that I can conceive plays out.  Sometimes this takes seconds, sometimes minutes, and sometimes days.  And those around me find it equally 'i'nfuriating.  Probably this is the same reason that I've never been more successful in my work life.  I've never been able to settle on one speciality.  Because well, what if I change my mind and don't like it? 

My resume reads like a swiss army knife.  I can do all sorts of different things but at some point even a swiss army knife has to stop because after all what use is a 50 pound swiss army knife?  

Sunday, April 10, 2011

H is for Happy Hooters

Awesaome award that I have been coveting for.......a while now, bestowed by Mrs. Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom
Sorry I didn't get my H done yesterday but I think I can still get through the alphabet this month.  I did't want to waste such a suitable letter.  Who knows how long I'd be waiting to gloat about my newest highly coveted award, every day trying to force something that would fit properly.  It would have been a nightmare.  Blogs are like jigsaw puzzles.  Each post has to just fit.  No forcing it will do.

The reason for the delay is because I was working to find some suitable pictures because I have been waiting to flash my breasts since Mynx showed hers.  Such a naughty girl!! But I do love her!!!  I'm digressing again....sorry.  You see I have some fantastic pics of the girls pushed up and hung out there like condos for rent however, they have gone missing from all of our computers, if you can believe it.  

I did manage to scrape up a couple though they really don't do them justice in my opinion.  I'm going to go ahead and post them and when I locate the others I'll have to come up with a reason for gratuitous boobage so I can show you how great they really are were.  

I had a breast reduction in 2004 and they are now perky and my nips face forward to meet the day every day, which I love.  They are still a perfectly healthy D cup, but nothing like the knockers that I was carrying around before.  Hmmm...maybe I can find them in time for K day.  heeheehee

So here goes.  

And I did mention in one of my early posts that I was a stripper so no judgement on this next one...

Yep, I was pretty much shameless

As for passing it on to other boobylicious bloggers (thanks for that phrase Mrs. Hyde).  Same disclaimer, if I award you and you already have it deal with it.  The award dictates that you post a pic of your rack so....we're all waiting.  *grin*

SSW - Anonymous Perils of a Single Southern Woman - Assuming she ever comes back on the radar. 
and finally...

Now my hooters are happy and my ego fed.  Happy hooters all the way round!!!  Thanks again to Mrs Hyde for being my friend, being a fantastic blogger and being so fucking awesome.  

Friday, April 8, 2011

G is for Gratitude


“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”...Brian Tracey

It isn't my intent to get all serious and preachy on you guys, and I considered a whole host of G words for today's post.  Among the considered nominees....ghost (I'm pretty sure I have a pervy ghost in my new house), gross (my 65lb german shepherd mix has had diarrhea in the house today), gripe (but then who wants to hear me do that?), galleon (there's a new Pirates movie coming out this summer, did you hear?), gastric bypass (weight loss surgery - but really that's nasty and who wants to hear about that?), gleek (that would be what I am because I love Glee!...) you see where this was all going.  Nothing particularly substantial.

I am a firm believer in gratitude.  Being thankful for what we have is the cornerstone of happiness.  Forward thinking is good, but appreciation for what is already in our hands must not be overlooked.  If we cannot appreciate the things in life that we already have and feel positively about them then why should we expect to get more of anything.

I try to list the thinks that I am grateful for every day....okay most days when I remember.  I'm not only grateful for the big things, I try to be grateful for the small stuff as well.  I'm grateful for the home in which I live (possible pervy ghost and all), I'm grateful for my Darling Husband and for my kids (when I don't want to kill them), I'm grateful for the love that I feel every day for multiple sources, I'm grateful when I don't step on a lego or matchbox car on my way to the bathroom in the dark.

So since I'm so grateful for everything that I have in my life already the Universe can hurry on up with giving me more stuff to be grateful for.  I appreciate what I have so naturally I would appreciate more stuff more.  Makes perfect sense.

What are you grateful for?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

F is for Frugal and Fuck...or Fuck and Frugal?

I just knew when the blog challenge started that my F day would be 'Fuck'.  However, today dawned and the word 'frugal' seems appropriate.  I guess the challenge here is how to create a blog post that successfully combines frugal and fuck without sounding like a dime store prostitute.  Hmmmmm...

First let me just tell you that I love the f-bomb.  I adore the word fuck.  Mostly because it is so versatile.  It can be used as a verb..."fuck me...fuck me hard!!".  It can be used as an adjective..."he's just a fucking asshat".  It can be used as an exclaimation...."fuck me!"  It can be used as either an invitation or a statement of contempt...."fuck you!"  I really could go on and on. 

Usually I avoid using it in conversation because when you say it a lot it tends to lose impact.  And Darling Husband says when I use it too much out of context..."I love when you fuck me..." that it can become unflattering.  Hmph....who knew?  

Anyway, today I had a new experience in the Wal-Mart.  That's right, I said the evil empire known as wally world.  We live like 30 minutes from the nearest main grocery chains (including Wal-Mart) so we don't go there regularly because it is impractical.  

So today was payday and we went for restocking.  However, this time was different.  I went there armed with other store's circulars, and coupons.  I loaded up 2 carts full to overflowing.  Let me ask you, you know that person in front of you in the check out lane?  The one who has flyers (yes, plural) and is asking the cashier to price match on several different items, and a blue fucking million coupons?  Yep, that was me today.  

I used to be a grocery store cashier. I hated those people and I never, ever wanted to be one of them for sure!  However today, I was that lady.  And can I tell you, when I walked out of there, after pressing other store's 'store coupons' on them, making them match the price on 4 different stores circulars (appx 25 different items), and my manufacturer's coupons, I was $50 to the good.  Well, it cost me $50 less anyway.  

I walked out of there with a coupon/savings high!!  I told Darling Husband that I felt like that experience gave me full on 'lady wood'.  Oh yeah, I was in the mood. Increased heart rate, shortness of breath the whole thing....I would have done him right there in the parking lot in the minivan if we hadn't had the 6 year old with us.  (What?  I'm not completely deplorable...only mostly) 

Anyway, I want to fucking take this fucking opportunity to thank you all for continuing to follow the stuff that I put out here.  I really fucking love the lot of you!!!  No lie!!  (see how too much fucking loses the impact??)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

E is for Etiquette

Mirram Webster dictionary online defines etiquette as follows - the rules indicating the proper and polite way to behave. Okay, that's fair.  However I think that it leaves off something at the end.  I think it should read 'the rules indicating the proper and polite way to behave according to the situation you are in'.

For example, we all know about regular social etiquette, dinner table etiquette, job interview etiquette, business etiquette, email etiquette, wedding etiquette, bachelor/bachelorette party etiquette (really?), children's etiquette, blog etiquette, and so on, and so on.  For nearly any situation you may find yourself in that involves other human beings, there is etiquette for it.  

I think I've mentioned before that I work for myself and one of my clients is a major electronics manufacturer.  I may have failed to mention that I help manage their online chat application.  Even chat has etiquette although most of the rules that I have seen revolve around dealing with others in a social IM situation.  What I'm talking about is when you go to a chat application that is tied to a company or online store.  Where the chatter is there to assist you on behalf of an online store.  Most people don't even think about it, but there are definitely ways to make everyone's experience with it better.  

1.  Most online chatters responses are timed and that is one of their key attainment metrics.  So, when they say 'just one moment while I research that for you.' their response clock stops.  If you say 'thank you' or 'ok' or anything at all it starts their clock again.  

2.  I assure you when you are online chatting with someone who is representing a store, they are a real person.  No need to ask if they are a robot or a machine as your first question.  It's annoying and insulting. They are not.  If they were you would be able to tell.  

3. If it takes 30 seconds or less to get a response, there is no need to type things like 'Hello???' 'Are you there???'  That's just snotty.  I'm sorry but there is no other way to say it.  If you ask a question the person on the other end of that chat may or may not know the answer off the top of their head.  If it is a product question, consider how many items that store has on its site.  If they say that they are going to check on that, just let them do it.  

4. Most chatters who are working for an online store or other service aren't at liberty to answer personal questions.  So they may come across as evasive.  They don't mean to be, but they can't answer them the way they would over the phone or in person so don't ask.  

5. In the event that the chat agent doesn't have the information you want or tells you that they don't have the tools to knock off an extra percentage off the total bill or whatever, don't berate them about it.  I assure you that they aren't trying to be deliberately unhelpful (most of the time) and would much rather be able to help you than endure the badgering.  

With all that said, I do understand that there are some stinky chat services out there that don't deserve the time you spend with them.  For those I say, if you come in contact with a bad chat service, tell your friends, blog about it, whatever but don't go back.  That is really the only way the store will get the message is if the chat traffic slows way down.   

I wasn't going for preachy, I swear.  More like a PSA to lubricate the wheels of online service chat.  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

D is for Dictator

Source: Wikipedia

So Libya has a dictator named Muammar el-Qaddaffi.  And he's a seriously bad dude.  I get that.  And what's going on over there has serious implications for the US and the rest of the world.  But that isn't what this is about.  No, no, no. 

I realize this is hardly news to most people any more.  Even Saturday night live did a bit about it in 1981 so  yeah, I"m a little slow on the uptick.  Here's my thing though.  I am a stickler for things being spelled correctly, good grammar and all the niceties of proper writing.  But why can no two news stations spell his name the same way?  In fact, if you watch 2 or 3 different stories on the same station you're likely to see his name spelled differently in each one depending on the producer or director.  All I want to see is the Western media come to a consensus and stick with it.  

I have one of those names that no one ever gets correct in both spelling and pronunciation so I'm particularly sensitive to it.  Surely, the man has a preference on how his name is spelled while we are   making him the current face of the devil publicizing the plight of the rebels in his country.  Maybe someone should just ask him.  You know, he might not be so damn cranky if we just could manage to get his name right.  

The bracket in the picture above is a sort of a schematic for spelling his name.  In the first line I spelled it my favorite way.  What's yours?

Monday, April 4, 2011

C is for Cheese

Cheese is wonderful in an of itself without it being a metaphor for anything else.  Mozarella, cheddar, colby, monterey jack, brie, swiss, feta, parmesan...I could go on and on.  I don't know that I've ever met a cheese that I didn't like, well...except maybe the bleu cheese variations...roquefort, gorgonzola, etc.  Not really a fan of cheese that tastes or smells spoiled.  I know, I know, those are 'aged' cheeses...I'll take my cheese young and fresh thank you very much.  

But this post isn't about any of those kinds of cheeses.  It's about Cheese (with a capital C) as a metaphor for all the things in life that make us feel happy and fulfilled.  For some people its money and financial security, for others its family and close friends, for some its the satisfaction of loving their jobs or a job well done.  Cheese in this sense can have as many forms as people who envision these things.  No, I didn't come up with this all by myself, God I wish I had though.  It's from an amazing book by Dr. Spencer Johnson, who unlike Dr. Phil really is a Dr.  Here is a link to a page for more information about the book Who Moved My Cheese? if you are so inclined to check it out.  

See, while Cheese is a metaphor for the things that make us happy, we have to realize that 'they' the Powers That Be (or PTBs as I like to call them) keep moving it.  Whether it is getting downsized or relocated, or any of a number of other things, change happens.  The quick takeaways are that you have to know that change is inevitable, you have to be ready and willing to adapt quickly so you can find more Cheese and enjoy it quickly.  If you get stagnant and paralyzed by fear of the unknown you will quickly find yourself stuck in a negative and Cheeseless situation.  

Yes, I know this all sounds ridiculous.  But for a short, quick little read of a book it challenged many things that have always thought to be true and it made a huge difference in the way I see things.  Before we moved to Idaho we were in a cheeseless situation and didn't even realize it.  We had become so used to having no cheese that it became a way of life.  

One of the first really challenging questions posed in the book, that caused me to pause and challenge myself was - "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"  So I ask you all the same.  What would YOU do?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

B is for 'The B Book'

For anyone who remembers reading 'The B Book' as a child here is a grown up version....

Beautiful babe.
Beautiful blonde babe.
Beautiful blonde Brazilian babe.
Beautiful blonde Brazilian babe bitching, babbling baffily in a bar.
Beautiful blonde barters with bartender.
Beautiful blonde barters blowjobs for buttery ball bearings.
Bashful bartender bristles at beautiful blondes brash behavior.
Beautiful blond bares bombastic breasts by bashful bartender.
Bashful bartender's blue balls bequest banging blonde.
Both buzzed, beautiful blonde and bashful bartender bike to bartender's bedroom.
Bartender's brutish boner begins to blow as beautiful blonde bounces backwards on it begging for better bliss.
Both blast ballistically.
Breathing badly bastard bartender banishes beautiful blonde.
Bathed in boysenberry, blonde borrows biscotti, bids buff bartender bumping buddy bye.

I do hope that fills the B requirement....what say you, my sweet 'stellars'?

Friday, April 1, 2011

A is for "Ass Burgers"

Before I back my ears and dive into today's post, I have a confession.  I've been withholding posts.  Saving them because of the April A-Z blogging challenge.  I figured I should stockpile some of them because I've never blogged every day before.  In fact, was pretty sure that I couldn't come up with something interesting every day for a week, much less 6 days a week for 4 weeks.  

My youngest child, T, is 6.  And we've known for a while that he was 'different' from his older brother and sister.  For some reason when we lived in Carolina no one wanted to be upfront and tell us what exactly it was, even though we asked point blank on many occasions starting when he was 3.  Now that we are in Idaho within two weeks of being in his new Kindergarten class his teacher asked if they could re-evaluate him for is IEP (individual education plan) for next year to determine what services he can get.    Wanting the best for him always and in all ways we consented.  They have been very forthright and suggested to us something that we've long suspected about our little T.  He has Aspergers Syndrome which is a type of high-functioning Autism.  

Here is a link to the Mayo Clinic's page about Asperger's Syndrome if you are interested.  In my recent research I've found its one of my favorite pages for explaining it in 'lay terms'.  

There is no need to feel bad for me or wonder if I'm okay with it.  That 'label' doesn't change him one iota.  He is still the perfect, amazing wonderful boy that he was before his uniqueness had a name.  Now I can research it and develop the parenting skills necessary to help him feel safe and secure and be happy and successful.  He is amazingly good on the computer and with math, like way above his grade level, but he isn't particularly social and likes to wear shirts without collars and elastic waist pants.  I have a theory that on some level we all have little trade offs in our personalities to one degree or another.  

I go through all this to tell you that we were discussing with his older sister J (who will be 11 next month).  The conversation went like this...

Mom&Dad:  We all know that your little brother T is 'different'.  Right?
J: Right....
M&D:  Well, that 'difference' has a name.  
J: Okay....
M&D: It's called Aspbergers. 
*J nearly falls off the bed laughing*     
All she heard was 'Ass Burgers'.