Bonerdar

Bonerdar

We all know about radar and even gaydar, but how many of us know what bonerdar is?  You can try to look it up but I guarantee you won’t find it on dictionary.com or even wikipedia which means that I suspect Darling Husband made the term up but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a real thing.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  

So radar is something that most air traffic controllers use to monitor planes in the sky and that weathermen use to track storms and such.  At work most of us want to fly under the radar or above it but in general, stay off it in most cases.  Except when we want to be on it.  For example when I worked in the real world with real people I was always looking for the next promotion so when VIPs would visit the office I always asked myself how to GET on their radar.  Bit ridiculous really.  

Gaydar is the ability, whether natural or cultivated, to spot a gay man. It was cultivated in me when I was working in the hospitality industry.  That sounds way more glamourous than it was because the truth of the matter is I worked in the hotel’s fine dining restaurant.  But there were a fair amount of gay men that I worked with.  I had no clue until they invited me to a drag show after work one night.  OMG!  Best.  Time.  Ever.  The room service manager was actually one of the participants.  I’m digressing again, aren’t I?  I think we all understand the concept.    

Which leads me to bonerdar.....I know you’ve all been holding your collective breath.  You can exhale now.  I’m wondering now if it shouldn’t be hyphenated.  Hmmmm...Anyway, bonerdar is short for boner radar....the phenomenon that happens when your children can be completely otherwise occupied in another part of the house until mom and dad start fooling around.  You shut the bedroom door, or in the case of our poor crooked little house push it to, and block it with a clothes hamper, and sometime before you get done, either just getting started or in the middle of a stroke, there is a knock on the door or a little voice from the other side...”Mom?  Dad?   What’re you doing in there?”  I don’t think that there is a quicker way for a man to lose an erection save having cold water poured unexpectedly down your back or having the cat sneak up and try to box with your balls like they are a cat toy (again, whole ‘nother story).  

I have made no secret of the fact that I love having sex with my husband so we work it out as often as we can.  I think it’s fair to say that nearly half the time our best laid (hahahahaha no pun intended) plans go awry.  

Do you have a name for it. or shall we coin the term bonerdar forever more?  My ears are open and I’m anxious to hear from you all!

It's official!!!!

This is not an advert for Budget, I just thought the tip was funny. 

We have contract in hand, and I told mother.  I’m actually really proud of the way she’s handling it.  It’s no longer a secret that this is going to happen, and it really IS going to happen.  Oh, the unbearable lightness of being!!!!  Someone better tie a string around my ankle to keep me firmly on the ground because I might drift uncontrollably (but very gently) into the stratosphere and hang there for a while.  

I’m not a very good secret keeper.  Well that isn’t strictly true.  I’m fantastic with other people’s secrets.  Because they aren’t mine to tell.  I know where all the bodies are buried and I’m not telling.  It’s keeping my stuff quiet that I have trouble with.  Any time there is something major up with me there may as well be a neon sign over my head that says “ASK ME WHAT”S GOING ON!  PLEASE!”

So, with that off my mind I can turn my attention to packing and working and blogging... 

To comply with the rules of both awards they each require that I tell 7 things about myself and I’m not sure I have 14 interesting things.  So I’m going to cheat and tell you 7 things total and pass them along.  Because we have a fairly incestuous close knit blog community, most of those that I would normally award to have already been a recipient.  So I’m going to have to work harder to find new blogs to bestow these awards upon.  Isn’t there a loophole that we found to giving awards back to those who gave them to you?  Hmmmm...

Okay my 7 things:

1- I can never buy big bottles of shampoo or conditioner because way before I get to the end of them I determine that I don’t like the way they smell anymore and must have something different.  

2 - I am a sniffer.  I sniff candles, potpourri, deodorant, fabric softener, detergent and hair care products.  If it is for sale and has a fragrance I will sniff.  In fact, I have this one awesome friend who has no sense of smell and I’m all the time forgetting about it so I’ll smell and hand it to her so she can smell.  She is so funny that she just sniffs and pretends she smells it too.  

3- Because I work from home, some days I don’t get a shower until up in the afternoon and some days it just doesn’t happen at all. 

4- I don’t like to mate socks.  So much so that I will do several loads of laundry and leave the clean socks in the basket until one of the children tells me they are out of socks which then guilts me into action. 

5- Cold water rinse for extra shine - you know the direction on some conditioner bottles - is seriously overrated especially in the wintertime.  Just sayin’. 

6- I used to be able to apply lipstick with my cleavage like Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club. 

Okay, so I’m seriously cheating but I can’t think of anything else even remotely interesting about me that you all don’t already know.  

Just one more thing before I start giving away awards.....

Thank you again to Bruce from Bruce Johnson JADIP , you can also find him at Dreamodeling, Stupid Stuff I See and Hear and the guy book .  Please go by and check him out at one or all of his blogs.  They are funny and sure to delight. 

Also to Mrs. Hyde at A Bitch Called Mom  and The Well Fed Spirit, the blogs are quite different but both completely worthy of a look.  

So, without further ado....

The LOL award goes to....

Sherrilyn R at Laughing my abs off

Andie Goddess of Pickles at Inspriation Strikes. In the Kneecaps.

Sharon at Its Random but Important to Me

Vinnie at As Vinny C's it

Melanie at One Hot Mess
Nicole  at NinjaMOM
Sam at Rot du Jour

All of these are definitely worth a look, follow, etc.

The Stylish Blog Award shall be forwarded to the following:
Mad Housewife at Confessions of a Mad Housewife - she's brand new but I'm expecting really great things from her so go check her out.
The Chunky Mama at Chunk and theGang
NJ at Fourth Grade Nothing

Okay,  I probably haven't fulfilled all the rules but fuck the rules.  I'm good with it.  I have to go to bed now because I'm typing with one eye shut.  I'll notify the winners in the morning.

Love yous guys!

Packing iz hard and I haz awards.....

Thanks to Bruce at - Good Lord do I have to list them all????

Just kidding.  If you had 14 dozen I'd still list them.   You can locate Bruce Dreamodeling, BruceJohnsonJADIP and at his saltiest Evil Bruce/Stupid stuff I see and hear.  What?  I've forgotten one?  Seriously?  Right then....and The Guy Book.  Clearly I'm entirely too lazy this evening to list them by name but please, by all means check them all out as they are all different and sure to show you something you'll love.

Many thanks to Mrs. Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom

Seriously you guys!  No idea I had that much funny in me.  But it makes me exceedingly happy that at least one other person on the planet, other than Darling Husband (and usually when I'm not meaning to be at all) thinks I am.  I think there are rules that go with these but not sure what they are yet.  I'll get back to it.  I swear!!! 

I would be remiss if I failed to mention that Mrs Hyde also has a second blog The Well Fed Spirit which is the kinder gentler Mrs. Hyde and completely worth the read.  I learn and feel something every time I see a new blog.  I'm so fortunate to have her in my blog world.  

As a follow up to last week's announcement that we are moving.  I spent the weekend packing some shit up.  Deciding what I couldn't live without and getting rid of the rest.  However I've learned a few things about myself along the way. 

1) Packing is hard.  Well, deciding which crap to keep and which to toss is hard.  Emotionally.  For me it is anyway.  I found things that I haven't looked at in a really long time.  Some great good things...my wedding hanky and matchbook from the restaurant where we had our first meal as a married couple.  A lot of things that I wasn't expecting.....playing cards and poker chips that have long since been gone from the set,  a gag gift vibrator that a friend gave me on a vacation to NOLA (more on that later), sadly the batteries were long dead, some board games that we never bothered to open (Singing Bee anyone?).  And also a few things that were sad like the bookmark the funeral home made when my grandfather died.  Had a poem on the other side.  Anyway, the reason that packing is so hard for me emotionally is because apparently I have to relive every memory in order to decide whether to keep an object or not.  *Do I really NEED to explain why that is exhausting?*

2)*** Disclaimer*** guys if you are squeamish about Scarlet (as the monthly is known in our house) turn away now.....really, go to  Men's Health.com...go now.  Seriously.  Okay....for the rest of us.....I woke up Saturday morning with Scarlet.  I knew she was here because I dreamed that I was in a car wreck and pinned between two vehicles by my abdomen and when I woke up...I was still in pain.....fucking bitch.  Seriously guys...Men's Health..last warning.   Also learned something.  If you are trying to insert a tampon and drop in in the toilet because your sleepy ass fingers can't work it out properly, you can hang that shit up (no not on the wall like a trophy) but that tampon is never going to leave the applicator because it swells immediately upon touching the water.  3:30am science lesson that Bill Nye the Science Guy didn't feel the need to share with us.  PSA for the guys still with me, if you hear your woman, wife, lady friend, in the master bathroom cussing like a sailor in the middle of the night you can bet she dropped the damn plug in the potty.  

3) When you start taking shit off your walls it's sad.  It starts to feel like it isn't your house anymore.  It starts to look bare.  Yes, I know, we're going some place that is new and exciting and much better, but it makes it hard to sleep when all the 'what nots' (excellent synonym use by the way because I cannot spell tchotchkies) you've gathered over time and cast familiar shadows in the nightlight (yes, Darling Husband and I are nearly legally blind and find our way around at night by navigating the shadows - don't judge *grin*) are missing.  Packed away to be seen again soon, but missing temporarily nonetheless.  

Okay, that's probably enough, perhaps even way too much information for this evening.  I'll be back soon to comply with the rules of my awards and pass them on.  

Thank you all so much for reading this silly shit.  Oh yes, I've noticed.....there are 84 of you.  Of course that number my dwindle some after my little...er...uh...science lesson above, but I see you guys over there and it makes my heart all a flutter that you are interested enough to pay attention to what comes out of my mind and off my fingertips.  Please comment if you are so minded.  I love to hear from you all!  

Stagnation....change

I’ve noticed that I’ve been thinking and saying the word stagnant or some form of it a lot lately.  Dictionary.com defines the word stagnant in the following ways:

–adjective

1.not flowing or running, as water, air, etc.

2.stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.

3.characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement.

4.inactive, sluggish, or dull.

Monty, I’ll take doors number 3 and 4.  

Darling Husband and I have lived in the same house since right before we found out we were going to have our first child (roughly 11.5 years ago).  It was the perfect size house for a couple.  Even a good sized house to have only one child but of course we couldn’t stop with one child.  We deliberately had a second child and the house started to shrink a bit.  What with the spare bedrooms filling up and toys everywhere.  It was cozy.  By the time we had our third child (who, by the way was a surprise) it had started getting ‘tight’.  Funny how the family grows but the house does not.   

Add to this a host of health and financial problems and let’s suffice to say we’ve been really struggling for the past....well....several years.  I only go through all this to give you some background.  We have gotten so used to not having the means to make our ends meet that we fell into a thought pattern of ‘lack’.  We couldn’t find good work, we couldn’t get all the bills paid, we even started telling our children that we couldn’t afford to do this or that.  It pervaded every part of our being. It was reflected in our thoughts and attitudes about everything from our life situation to other people.  

So used to this negative feeling of ‘lack’ did we become, that we started to get comfortable with it, if you can imagine such a thing.  And it made us stagnant.  For a long time we were “characterized by lackof development, advancement, or progressive movement”.  Then it happened.  

Nah, we didn’t win the lottery or get an inheritance.  If only.... we did finally wake up one day and decide we’d had enough.  There is nothing tying us to our current locale.  Well, my mom, but really is that enough?  The answer is ‘no, it isn’t’.   She’ll be upset and likely throw a mondo guilt trip my way but I can deal with that.  Because I know she’ll mostly be upset that her perfect granddaughter will be going far away.  

It started gradually.  Darling Husband and I doing internet searches for places with lower costs of living than where we are now.  And we had some ‘ideas’ about the general direction in which we’d like to move.  Then we found it.  The perfect house.  Nearly 3 times the house we’re in now with a separate office space because we both work from home.  All for about what we’re paying now.  In Idaho.  

So we changed our thought pattern.  Started taking small actions like packing up non-essentials and really focusing on what we want and what we CAN do.  We stopped telling ourselves all the reasons why we can’t and developed an attitude of ‘why not?” and ‘who says?’.  It’s been so amazing and liberating having a positive change to focus on.  We’ve been approved for the house in Idaho we’re just still haggling negotiating all the terms.  I really hate negotiating.  But that’s a whole ‘nother post.  

Anyway, we’re breaking our cycle of stagnation and if you find yourself chronically in an unhappy, unmoving place, I would encourage you to change the way you think about things.  Stop doing what we did for so long - just being a victim of your circumstances - and start thinking about what you CAN do, and what you CAN change about your situation.  Sometimes the changes are small and sometimes they are huge...like a 2200 mile cross country trek with 3 kids, 2 pets and all of your worldly belongings.  Start small and see where it takes you.  

Life Is Good!

Life is good Award given by Amber La Shell

Hey y'all, guess what???  I got another award!!!  It's from Amber La Shell at Amber La Shell Rants if you know her already you know how super freaking cool she is and if you haven't then you definitely should go see her.  Thank you, thank you and thank you Amber!!!!  

There are rules associated with the award however.  I have to thank and link back to the giver of the award which I've done but just in case...Thank you Amber you are amazing and awesome!!

Then I answer the survey questions, (that part is coming up) and then pass it along.  I don't suppose the order matters much so I'm going to pass it on before answering the questions.  

First I want to give this blog to Oilfield Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich

Also I need to give it to Bruce and/or his evil twin at Bruce Johnson JADIP or Here  

Mrs Hyde and/or the zen bitch at A Bitch Called Mom or The Well Fed Spirit (is it cheating to award to multiple personality bloggers?)
And finally to Hed at Hed Above water

Now for the questions:

1) 1.  If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this?  If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now? I do blog anonymously as i have issues with being authentic in my 3D world and I'm working on those.  The blog allows me to be completely honest about what I think and fear without concern about judgements or reprisals.  


2)Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.
It is my instinct to tell you I'm not stubborn, but in consulting with the Darling Husband he assures me that I am stubborn in the most passive-aggressive, non-confrontational way possible.  


3)What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
I try not to spend too much time looking in mirrors.  It troubles me.  I am middle aged, red haired, blue eyes w/blonde eyelashes and eyebrows,  completely average, overweight (no, fluffy...that's what I am, fluffy).  I rarely wear makeup since I work from home and more often than not my hair, which is long and fine, is up in a top knot or ponytail.  Plain.  That's what I see. 


4) What is your favourite summer cold drink?
I know you aren't seriously asking me that question.....vodka and with crystal light (fruit punch and lemonade) lots of ice, all crushed up together in the blender to make a lovely frozen treat. 


5)When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
Working from home isn't as glamourous as I had expected it to be.  However, when I have time for myself I spend it seducing Darling Husband as often as possible.  Aside from that, when I find time here or there, I blog if I'm inspired, read if I'm not. Sometimes I even nap...just because. 


6) Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
Of course.  There will always be things that I still want to accomplish.  It seems like every time I manage to cross something off my proverbial bucket list I add two more.  It's a never ending pursuit of new experiences because when I'm an old lady I want to have a head and heart full of things that I've done, not just a house full of 'things'.


7)When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
Never ever skipped school.  Well there was that one time, but it shouldn't count because I just went to a different school for the day to see my old drama teacher.  School is school is school, right?  As for how I would be classified.  I was a thesbian, but when I wasn't on stage I was painfully shy.  Talk about your paradoxes.  


8) If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
When I close my eyes and think of a poignant experience in my life.  I see the foyer of the little public notary's place where I married Darling Husband.  I spent so much of my life to that point not knowing if I would ever have him....I remember looking into his eyes and choking up to the point that I couldn't say my vows because I was crying for happiness. 


9) Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
I have no problem sharing about myself because it's what I know.  I like to talk about odd or funny things that I see and hear and think about.  You guys get the best and most honest parts of me because my blog is anonymous.  


10)  If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
That answer is simple.  It depends on who is on the other end of the phone and what book I have to read.  


I'll be visiting my award winners soon.  I hope you all enjoy my answers.  I think I may have big news coming up in a blog soon!!!!




7)

Worst...song...ever

I have found possibly the most ridiculous song to make it to the top of the US and Canada music charts in, well maybe forever.  I came upon this as I do most things in the most roundabout way possible.  There I was last night, cruising the interwebs, and Darling Husband mentioned the death of Jerry Rafferty - for those who need help he did  the song Baker Street.  Which is a great tune in my opinion but I didn’t get there immediately with the name recognition.  

Rather than go directly to Google or YouTube (because I try to do some mental aerobics  from time to time) I started casting about in my mind for the connection.  I considered the ‘Nothing from Nothing’ song and realized that wasn’t Jerry Rafferty and wondered if it was Mac Davis (told you I got there on roundabout, stay with me...).  So I looked up the ‘Nothing from Nothing’ song and found that it was done by Billy Preston.  So clearly not Mac Davis.  Mind you I’m talking all this through out loud while Darling Husband is working.  And I wasted no time telling him how disappointed I was that he didn’t have those answers right on the top of his head ready for me too.  In all honesty, he should get some kind of award for keeping up with the random thoughts that exit my mouth on a regular basis.  I’m rabbit trailing again, someone reel me back in.  

All this made me wonder why the name Mac Davis was floating around in my head at all.  Casting about in my memory a little more and I realized that he had a hit song in the early 70s (yes, I know, I’m dating myself) called...wait for it....”Baby, Don’t get Hooked on Me”.  I’m not quite that old so it was probably mid or late-seventies when I saw him do it on the Muppet Show, sitting on a fish hook with Miss Piggy. 

YouTube produced a video with Lyrics for your viewing and listening pleasure.  If you are young or unfamiliar please take the couple of minutes, it’s a pretty short song.  

Because I was so young when it came out all I remembered was that pleading chorus and no real idea what the song was about.  When I watched the above YouTube last night I nearly fell out of my chair with laughter. 

Let’s break down the lyrics...

Girl you're getting that look in your eyes

And it's starting to worry me

I ain't ready for no family ties

Nobody's gonna hurry me - Translation: I’m a player, I like being a player and I’m going to play until I am all played out. 

Just keep it friendly girl

'Cause I don't want to leave

Don't start clinging to me girl

'Cause I can't breathe - Translation: As long as you want to be fuck buddies then we’re all good, but if you’re looking for something more, hate that for you.

Baby, baby don't get hooked on me

Baby, baby don't get hooked on me

'Cause I'll just use you then I'll set you free

Baby, baby don't get hooked on me - Translation:  Don’t fall in love with me because I’m using you for your sex and when I fine another or get bored I’ll send your ass packing.

Girl you're a hot blooded woman child

And it's warm where you're touching me

But I can tell by your trembling smile

You're seeing way too much in me - Translation: I love having you in my bed and wherever else, because you are hot shit and I love when you ______(I have something for that but it really is better suited for Mynx's Secret Pleasures page), but I am a sex addict and I’ll never be the man you think I am or want me to be. 

Girl don't let your life get tangled up with mine

'Cause I'll just leave you

I can't take no clinging vine - Translation: I have commitment issues and there’s too much nookie in the world for me to be stuck with yours forever. 

And chorus to the end.  

This song is like a dear Jane letter warning the females that he is the way he is and just can’t help it because of course back then no one went to therapy and we didn’t have terms for sex addiction, narcissistic tendencies or fear of commitment issues.  And he had the audacity to make it *sound* like a love song.  WTF?  

In all honestly, if I’m going to be warned of a guy’s philandering nature in a song I’d just as soon it be along the lines of Robert Palmer (you know he really meant Addicted to sex) or Naughty Naughty by John Parr or even have Naughty by Nature rap to me about the never ending quest for OPP.  

By the way, he didn’t just sing this song, he also composed it. Same man who wrote and sang the song ‘Lord, It’s Hard to Be Humble’ (if you are sufficiently interested youtube it you’ll find a pattern here).   

I hope you find it as ridiculous and entertaining as I did last night. Enjoy, happy Thursday everyone. 

Laundry List

Hey there guys.  I really should think of a name for you guys.  Would you be 'relatives'?  No too much potential for negative connotation there.  What about 'relaters'?  Huh, huh? Oh hell, I'll add that to the list too.  This blog is me reaching out for help to all of you so the my blog can be better....more awesom'er.

So being relatively new to the blog world there are cool things that I see on other blogs that I want to be able to do on mine.  For example.  I want to be able to put people's blog buttons on my blog and have the go to the proper place.  I've managed photos of my awards but they don't go anywhere.  Should they?  They should right, so that the person who awarded can get proper link-age?

Also I want to make my own cool button and have a link for it too.  How do I do that?  I mean I can probably make my own button but how to I give it a link?

Oh and how do I make those random words come up.  Are those tags or labels that you put on your posts and how many times they've been used?  If so, damn...that's cool.  I should have been labeling all along.

Additionally, how do I make my blog show up as an active link in people's comment's?

What else?  Oh this isn't about me (necessarily) but now is the time to nominate for the bloggy awards.  They are technically the 11th annual weblog awards.  You can nominate me (or yourself or anyone else for that matter).  Personally I think I'm a good fit for the best kept secret blog award, but decide for yourself.  It isn't that big of a deal but we have such a large community and I'm sure that it wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings to be nominated and voted for.   Here's the link just in case Weblog Award Nominations. What?  If I can't shamelessly self promote on my own blog then what's the point really.

If anyone can help me out with any of the questions above, I'd love to hear how to make it happen!  Including what, if anything my followers should be dubbed.

Check you guys soon!  Man, I've missed blogging.

Colossal Lapses in Judgement

Whenever the new year rolls around, despite the fact that I resolve pretty much nothing, I can’t help but be a little bit retrospective about my life.  All the events that have led me here.  I’ve made some good decisions but most of those were accidents, and I’ve made more than my share of bad decisions.  How I came out in one piece on the other side of them is like wondering how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop (the world may never know).    What I’m going to share right now, ranks right up there with my most serious lapses in good judgement.  

What brings this on?  Well poking around in my junk trunk has produced a VHS of The Jerry Springer Show.  Not just any Jerry Springer show, this is one of the Jerry Springer episodes before he got all the heat from the television PTB’s.  We’re talking chair throwing, cat fighting, ugly shit.  And I’m going to trot it out her for your entertainment.  To be perfectly honest, this was my life but I didn’t really take it on the Jerry Springer Show. If it had made it to Springer it might have looked like this: 

***”Hello Ladies and Gentlemen.  I use the term extremely loosely because we all know who ‘really’ watches my show, I’m Jerry Springer and today we bring you “Assholes and the family members who carry their children”.  On stage I’d like for you to meet Candy.  She is 5 months pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby.  We’ll meet him later.  So Candy, what do you have to tell the audience?”  

Candy: “I just love Tad so much (eyes well up with tears) I just can’t believe that he would leave the state to get away from me and his baby”.  

“Now Candy is there anything else you need to tell us about your situation?”

“Well, he’s also my step brother.”

****audience****oooooohhhhhhh

“And he’s seeing someone else”(she dissolves into tears)

“That scoundrel, let’s get him out here”  

****audience*****booooo!  booooo!  

“Okay, Tad, have a seat there on the other side of the stage.  Candy, has been telling us about the situation you got her into and are now trying to run from” *explosive cheers from crowd*

“Okay, okay....everyone just settle down.  Is it true then Tad that you are the father of Candy’s baby?”

“Yeah, that’s what she tells me”

“And you are also her step-brother?  Exactly how long has this been going on?”  

“Since my mom married her dad.”

“And that’s....”

“A few years.  It’s not like we grew up together or anything”.  

“I see and the reason you are trying to get away from her and your baby?” 

“Uh, because she is a controlling bitch and I don’t conform for anyone.”

****audience**** boooo!  booooo!

“Okay, so I have a little surprise for the both of you.  Would everyone like to meet the other woman?”  

*crowd cheers wildly, candy starts crying again and Tad starts to look a bit green*

“Tory why don’t you come on out now”  *comes out to a lash of catcalls and boos*  She barely has time to sit down and get her bearings before....

“You’re a home wrecker!  Slut!” cries Candy before launching out of her chair and hurtling herself with astonishing speed for a pregnant lady toward the defenseless Tory.  She manages to land a few blows and draw blood from Tory’s cheek with her ridiculous fingernails before being pried away by ‘security’ and crumbles into loud sobs again as if she were the one who has just been attacked. ***** 

*DISCLAIMER - She seriously was a controlling bitch, and I really wasn’t trying to steal anything from her.  I just sort of genuinely enjoyed his company and lacked the requisite good judgement to walk away. 

And as Paul Harvey would say....here is....the rest of the story.

Imagine if you will, I’m 20 years old living with my mother and paying rent along with two other housemates.  A nurse and a carpenter.  This is starting off like a bad joke already....but I am rabbit trailing. The nurse is not important the carpenter is.  He was cute and about 5 years older than me.  Bright blue eyes and an easy manner.  When mother decided to rent to him I took her aside and hissed at her... “You can’t take on attractive renters!”  She looked at me like she honestly didn’t know what I was talking about.  

It didn’t take long for he and I to start sleeping together.  I mean honestly, how convenient that we lived in the same house?  We liked spending time together too.  Then I started learning more about him, because honestly we couldn’t fuck ALL the time.   Come to find out he had moved down from up north getting away from family and all the pressures that went with that.  Then find out that he has a pregnant girlfriend who followed him down in hopes of convincing him to move back with her.  This is where it starts to get really twisted, stay with me now.  She’s also his step-sister.  That’s right, her dad and his mom were married.  

Long story short, he caves and goes back to the great northern hinterlands but not before inviting me to come with him.  What ever in the world made me think that I could be anything next to a pregnant step-sister girlfriend I’ve no idea, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t pack up everything that I owned into my hatchback and follow him up north when he asked.  As I’m sure you can imagine this didn’t play well with his pregnant step-sister girlfriend (I keep saying that because even now, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the reality of it) or his mom, or her father, or his full sister who happened to be best friends with pregnant step-sister.  

I stayed up there for a few weeks, she tried to have a cat fight with me over him a couple of times but somehow she ended up looking like the victim (which I hated because I never touched her). She failed to realize a key aspect and that was that I wasn’t there to steal him from her (he was never really hers), I didn’t really want him all that badly. I was simply being 21, floating along the currents of life.  I was reasonably sure, in the way that only those in their early 20s can be, that whatever happened it would all be alright. 

I hope this little narrative doesn’t make you dislike me.  I never wanted to inflict emotional or any other type of damage on anyone.  But when you talk about colossal lapses in judgement, I’ll say that is right up there for me. Possibly even a record when I think about it.  One of those smack yourself in the forehead later and wonder “WTF was I thinking?”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has done colossally stupid things.