Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'll Have a Cup of Crazy with a Side of Guilt Please

Yay!!!   So I get to sponsor the JADIP Blog this week.  I've so been waiting my turn and it's here!!!!  It's really here!!!  Not sure what I'm supposed to do but I will say you need to go check out Bruce Johnson at his JADIP blog.  Totally worth the read!!!  You'll love it and him as I do.  Immediately and irrevocably.  Go now.  We'll wait.  

Oh, you're back?  I'm so glad you found your way.  You must have left yourself a trail of breadcrumbs.  I knew it would take a while because he has more than one and they are all so good.

Cup of Crazy and a side of guilt
Packing dishes, glasses and china is an obnoxious task.  I spent most of the weekend working on the kitchen and the china cabinet.  China cabinet is now empty except for the glass shelves and the dish cabinets are 75% empty.  I've left out enough to us to use for eating until we leave, but haven't ruled out paper items just to be done with it.  The problem with disposable dishes and plasticware is that they are disposable which makes more trash and at the rate I'm purging items I don't have room in my garbage can. That really has little to do with this post, crazy or guilt.

Most of our friends are very excited for us and some even admit to being jealous that they can't just make a decision to change their lives drastically and do it.  Mother, on the other hand is having a really hard time of it.  Apparently our relationship for the time being has devolved to text messages because she can't talk to me right now.  I'm not completely sure that I get that because she took it so well when I broke the news to her.  It's all about positioning y'all.  "Mom, I have some great news and I hope you'll be as excited as we are".  It worked....until she had time to think about it.  

So she texted me on Satuday afternoon and our conversation went something like this...

Mom: I would like to spend some time with J & E, preferably separately.  
Me: I agree, that is a good idea. 
Mom: I know she needs to spend time with L (her BFF since, oh...birth) but I DEMAND to have my time with her to. 
Me: No need to demand anything.  How is tomorrow for you?  
Mom: That sounds good, I'll come get her after church. 
Me: Great.  Sounds like a plan then.
Mom: Don't talk about Idaho or packing or moving when I come to get her because if I start wailing like I have been all week it will scare everyone including your crazy dog.  
Me: Sure thing Mom.  Whatever you say. 

Sunday arrives, I make sure that J looks presentable and meet Mother outside so as to spare her seeing us in the throes of packing.  Believe it or not I do try to be sensitive on occasion.  So we stand there and we're talking about the hawk that has made a home in our tree and her noisy little hawklets (is that what they are called do you think?) and she brings up the very thing she asked me not to bring up.  Idaho.  Is this woman a glutton for punishment or what?   

I reach to give her a hug and she shrugs me off and ushers J to the car but not before saying something martyr'ish like "I know that nothing I say is going to make a difference so we just have to make the best of the time we have left."  Don't we usually say that when someone is dying?  Hmmmmm....

I spend the rest of the afternoon drinking vodka to quell my anxiety and was moderately successful in that endeavor, got quite a bit of packing done and watched Dispicable Me (again) with the boys.  After J gets home Mother texts me again and it goes like this....

Mom: Wow, J is handling this way better than I have been. *did she think we would be dragging her kicking and screaming to Idaho?* 
Me:  Of course, she's very adaptable and well grounded.
Mom: I really thought she would be as torn up about this as I am.  I guess I can get over it now. 
*How do you respond to that? I've tried I'm sorry and her response is that if I were sorry I wouldn't be doing this*  
Mom: Love you. I wish that it did not hurt me so that you are going.  I've never felt this much pain in my life.  
Me: Love you too Mom.  *What?  It was all I could think of*

So we have crazy with a heaping side of guilt.  I am still excited and all in for the move but she's stressing me.  I don't desire to hurt anyone.  Ever.  Even, especially her.  I really wanted this to be a witty and funny post about my mom and her particular brand of crazy and guilt mongering (sort of like fear mongering).  Instead I present to you that she got her feelings hurt this weekend and not by me. 

J is a very authentic girl and she's only 10 1/2.  She is amazing and wonderful and doesn't pretend anything.  She was honest with her Mimi and told her 'sure, I'm going to miss you and my friends, but I belong with my Mom and Dad and brothers.  I'll make new friends too.' Apparently Mother thought they were closer than all that.  She didn't shed any tears, even when her Mimi cried (several times over the course of the afternoon) and even tried to comfort her when she did.  

So, tell me....why do I feel like shit?


  1. Holy crap. Is your mom my mom?? I think they may be the same woman. OMG We are sisters!! LOL. Seriously, my mom is the GUILT TRIP QUEEN. She should have like some sort of medal. And she can guilt one into doing just about anything. I feel for you. Just do what's right for you and in the end, your mother will get over it.

  2. is your mom jewish? because if not, she'd be a great addition. that whole jewish mother guilt thing. although it apparently happens with italians too. :/

  3. Jumble - I always thought she was fibbing when she maintained that I was her only child. LOL. I'm honored to be a member of your family. Tell Dad I said hi!

    Steph, so funny! She hasn't pulled out my grandmother's favorite line yet though....."I hope I'm dead when you get back". Or insert 'when you see me again'. Typical controlling behavior. I....must....resist!

  4. All guilt aside, I actually tried to print out that picture and eat it. that's how yummy it looked.

  5. wow...hope it gets better. both my parents moved away from the respective fams early on in their marriage.

    i have since had conversations with my mother (father deceased 13 years ago) about the fam putting pressure on every visit they took back to the mother/father-land.

    my parents were so cool every time i moved away. and very happy when i came back.

    i hate guilt trips, but they are far more common than what my life has been like!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  6. Kev - The picture does look pretty damn tasty, doesn't it?

    Bruce, I'm trying to learn from the obviously long line of guilt trippers in my family to give my kids what they need now, love them dearly and hold onto them loosely so they will be able to be free and blossom wherever they go. Guilt was a trait that I despised in my grandmother and like it even less in my mother because I really had hoped she'd learned something other than how to lay it down herself.

  7. I don't know why some parents feel the need to make their children feel guilty over doing what they want.
    My inlaws are that way. The mil is a control freak that would "just hate it if we moved away". My fil does that whole "you owe me" thing which is one reason of many that we never talk to him.
    I think this is a great thing for your family.

  8. She'll be okay. She's just afraid that she's going to be lonely without you. Just do what you need to and it will be fine.

    visions unto myself

  9. I can gladly say that my mom is nothing like your mom.. My mom does try to guilt me into things, but she's not a cryer (thank god) and all I can think to say is that, just stay excited about moving, eventually she will get excited w/you.


  10. The answer: Moms have that power over us. Making us feel like shit is as easy as breathing. They brought us into the world & know exactly which buttons to push.

  11. My JM is so smart...she's right on the money! And she's not kidding about her mom :-)

  12. Becca - you know, I've been waiting what seems like ages to sponsor Bruce!!! I'm so excited!!!

    Ruth - I am hoping to learn to love them well while they are with me so that I can let them go when the time comes.

    Kara - I hope that's all it is. I can't imagine she'll be lonely considering she's been shutting us out for the last 3 years in favor of her live in boyfriend.

    Amber - I have to take a moment to tell you how jealous I am!!!! I'm trying to learn to be that way so that my kids don't ever worry about coming home for a visit.

    Vinny - I think you nailed it!!! she does know just exactly which buttons to push and usually it works. This time I am resisting.

    Dad! Was wondering when you would show up!! I've missed you my whole life!!! *grin*

  13. I think your mom feels a little alone and vulnerable. She probably felt as if she could count on you if something were to go wrong. It sounds as if you (esp. J) were a big part of her life, even tho' she kind of put you on the backburner. Maybe she feels as if her chances have run out...But you do what you have to do and just figure the rest out as you learn yourself! Good luck in Idaho! I'm in nearby gorgeous Utah!

  14. You feel like shit because moms have a special collection of guilt-inducing daggers that they shoot at your heart with sniper-like accuracy. She loves you and will miss you. That's all there is to it.

    a bitch called mom

  15. Wow - heavy times!

    I admire the way you are handling it though. No BS, just kindness, compassion and a healthy dose of living your own life.

    At the end of the day, that's what it's about, isn't it.
    It's our job, as parents, to set a standard of sorts (values, morals, the like) and then let the wee tykes get on with it - but not everyone feels the same.
    Some parents excel at the guilt trip big time!

    Chin up and keep looking forward. Your doing everything right!

    Good luck on moving day!

  16. I am so sorry girl. Just keep that chin up and moving forward. I think for the majority of mom's it is bread in them. Hopefully not in us or our kids will need a lot of therapy. There is about a 90% chance mine will need therapy anyway!!! Anyway, so excited for you and cannot wait to see you soon!

  17. When my mom movedf away from MA to FL years ago, I was pained by the loss of her not being nearby.

    Just by me being on vacation a few months in FL some of my grown kids wish I was nearby.
    It's human nature.;0)

    The loss of a grand child thsat you have grown close to also leaves a VOID.
    That's Life!