Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Honest Truth

*Disclaimer: No one in this story named Jeff but the picture is effective.

I realize that I flatter myself that any of you might have been wondering where I've been, but nonetheless I feel like an explanation is necessary.  You have become my cyber friends and family and I've removed myself from your presence for two months or more.  I've missed you all and it just feels wrong to show back up and start blogging like I haven't missed a beat.  I will be visiting everyone's blog and trying to get caught up on what I've missed.  

So I'd love to be able to say that I had the world's worst case of writer's block.  But it wasn't anything as grand or lofty as that.  I could say that I was busy, bored, or uninspired and that would be closer to the truth.  Even telling you that I've been on a vodka soaked bender for 2 months would be an interesting story.  But no.....

We met another family here in town.  And it was all consuming for nearly 2 months.  Until it wasn't.  Let me rewind a bit.....

I was invited to a Pampered Chef Party here in town.  I love Pampered Chef stuff and wanted the opportunity to get to know some people so I went.  I met some lovely ladies.  Ladies who were mostly like me.  They were opinionated, and nosey, and full of laughter.  One of them in particular I gelled with right away.  She invited us to church for the Friday night open gym for the kids.  Friday night arrived and we packed up the kids and went as a family unit to the local church.  Everyone was super nice, but wonder of wonders Darling Husband gelled instantly with her husband, their son who is the same age as our little diplomat middle child got along famously and even our daughter immediately adhered to their daughter.  It was a match made in heaven. 

For nearly two months we all talked and texted nearly every day.  We spent almost the whole of every weekend together, there was much livlihood and laughter.  More than I've had in a long time.  Maybe since before we moved.  Our apparent love for one another burned with the 'white hot intensity of a thousand suns" (no idea where that is from but it fits).  We were completely consumed with their friendship to the exclusion of nearly everything else other than work.  Including blogging.  

But then suddenly it cooled off.  We felt the change but couldn't put our finger on it. We didn't know what we'd done wrong, but clearly things were 'different'.  I will give them credit, when this has happened before with other friends they just went away and we were left to only speculate what or if we'd done something wrong.  They actually accepted our invitation to come over but mostly because 'we need to talk'.  Uh-oh.....

So we send the kids out to play and they sit on one couch and we sit on another.  And they lay out for us what their issues are.  Come to find out we are too 'worldly'.  We have our kids in public school because I just never wanted to be that person who home schooled my kids.  We have a large HD TV and we watch it....a lot - that is why we have it after all.  ***And as a side note, they didn't seem to have any problem watching it with us for two months.  We say curse words and we drink.  There are the two big ones.  Apparently those are deal breakers for them.  They told us "We love you guys so much....(wait for it) BUT.....(ah, there it is) we can't be around what you guys do or have our kids around it."  

I asked them flat out, "are you breaking up with us?" which I know is ridiculous for grown people to say but that's what it felt like.  So now it's now.  I don't bear them any ill will but clearly it wasn't quite the match made in heaven that it seemed at first. 

I have spent the last week or so examining our lives and our habits.  Okay, we drink.  Daily.  Do we get out of hand, sloppy, mean, or any of those things?  We do not.  We cuss....sometimes like sailors....but does that make us bad people?  It does not.  We don't home school and we have a lot of technology.  Does that make us abnormal?  I don't think it does.  What it seems to come down to is that the way we conduct ourselves and our lives is too much of a temptation for them in their walk with God.  And I don't want to be a stumbling block in anyone's walk.  I do try to be sensitive to those with addictive tendencies so I'm going to refrain making any statement about their character.  On the upside, I've realized through close examination that it isn't a weakness in or lack of character on our part.  

And that my the rest of the story. 


  1. Geez. Well, as you say, at least it was brought up and discussed instead of them just "shunning" you, out of the blue. It's a loss for you and hub, since you all started out on great terms and it's always lovely to find new friends. And I hate to be cynical, but keep your antennae tuned in case these people start murmurring behind your back - know what I mean? I hope not, but I've learned the hard way.....

    And yes, I've missed you, along with 2 or 3 other of my fave early-on bloggers who've disappeared. (I thought maybe you were all at a party and I wasn't invited). Welcome "home". We love you, sozzled, swearing and sitting slack-jawed in front of your TV. ;)

  2. I would not change anything you are doing at all. Screw other people if they don't like how you live your life.

  3. First: Welcome back! I can safely say on behalf of everyone that we did miss you.

    Second: Would you believe my wife & I went through something similar to that with our former church friends? Soon as we got the LCD and fancy cookware they said they felt like we weren't "one of them" anymore. Whatever the hell that means.

    Anyway, as Oilfield said, "Screw 'em!"

  4. Well apparently they have judged and shunned you! The hell with them. We missed you. Glad you're here to say hi. HOpe it's on a fairly regular basis again.

  5. you know i'm with oilfield here. fuck them if they don't like you for you. i have to say, it seems that your 'ways' are not incredibly 'godly' to other people. perhaps a change of faith is in order? i'm telling you, lutherans LOVE drinking. i went to a lutheran school and our principle drank like a german fish (not while in school, obvs.)

    oh, and loved god.

  6. OMG PRINCIPLE?? seriously? am i high? PRINCIPAL. damn me and my heathen ways, obstructing my godly ability to spell properly.


  7. What a story. To each their own, I guess. At least they didn't lecture you and try to 'fix' you. Big respect to them for that.

    Welcome back, I think. Sorry it had to come with a price. Oh and if you try to catch up on my blog, you're in for some doozies.

  8. I am sorry you had to go through this. Being dismissed is so hurtful and really...just dont get me started on how heathenish being judgemental is! God almighty...holier than thou superior folk make me wanna slap the silliness right outta them!
    But yaaaaay! We have you back!

  9. My wife and I have fell victim to this in the past. It is my opinion, that we are all pretty much a mess and that is just how it is. I have been reading a book that pertains to messy people. It is entitled "This Beautiful Mess" and the following is an excerpt:
    "we find ourselves grasping aspects of the kingdom through a living definition that is growing and changing all the time. Not neat (that's dogma), not reduced (that's formula), not disassembled (that's dead). But beautiful.

  10. First, thank you so much for the warm welcome back!!!

    li - I do respect them for telling us what the problem is. Total props for that. I just hate that our 'worldliness'(?) is a problem for them. We are alert for 'murmuring' about us but we're working hard to not give into paranoia.

    OT - I love you to pieces and have missed you so! Thank you for reminding me that there isn't a problem with me/us.

    Vinny - Yeah, we're still marveling over the fact that they loved our HD TV and were perfectly happy to let us rent pay per views for our mutual entertainment. *sigh*

    Barb! - The good news is that 'the talk' caused me to examine how we conduct our life. And when I can hold the looking glass up to my life and still feel okay about it that's a worthwhile exercise.

    Steph, I will totes forgive your heathenistic ways that impede your spelling. We're definitely looking into the Lutherans. Why should it be so hard to love God and have deep faith without all the rules.

    Lost - I've been poking around your blog a little already. Can't wait. BTW, you and I are similarly aligned politically.

    Possum - Dismissed is hurtful, but whatever. I am too respectful of how other people choose to live their lives to hang onto it for too long. And believe me a week has been too long. We are apparently a hindrance to their 'daily walk'.

    Again, you guys have been so awesome to welcome me back this way!!!

  11. Ib - I was taking my time getting my replies done and you posted a comment in the meantime. I really like your quote, I may have to find that book. Like what you were talking about people are messy, completely, totally beyond repair messy. I tend to believe that God wants relationship more than rules.

  12. Another good read is "Messy Spirituality" by Mike Yaconelli.

  13. Hi!..I'm Marie, I've just joined and your blog is the first I've read, so I hope you don't mind me making a comment.
    How did you feel After 'the talk'..did you say goodbye with a smile, or did they just creep out?..Seems like the were not the 'friends' you though they were, and how disappointing it must have felt!..You are well out of it by the sounds of it,and I love the sound of your family!..Hope you all have a great weekend!

  14. Tori!!!!!*running hug. I have missed you my lovely friend.
    Sounds like those people are the crazies. I recently felt judged by someone I called friend. Like you, we clicked and quickly became close. But in the end, it became clear that it was a doomed friendship. We were really different people.
    The whole thing upset me but I came to realize that people need to accept you as you are and the choices you make. If they can't, you don't need them in your life.

  15. Marie, I never mind.....

    After the talk we kept it civil and they sat with us and watched our 'devil' TV for another hour or so and we left with smiles. It was the sort of like insult that took a while to sink in. It was a sad week (or so) for us because I went through the stages....disbelief, wondering if there was really something wrong with us, anger that they felt like they were in a position to pass judgements on us, and sadness that we managed to push away people that seemed to be such a good match for our family.

    Mynx-ie!!! *running hug* I've missed you so too!!! So glad to be back. It sucks rocks when you think you've found a good friend only to realize that you are entirely too different to overcome the obstacles and find the common ground. But that's okay. I've been praying for a best friend for a while now and I know that there is one in the works. One who is just perfect for me and one that won't judge how I conduct my life.

  16. So you abandoned us for some stuffy people who abandoned you? Hmph! I'm kidding.. I took a break because I was busy with stuff, but I'm glad to see you found your way back here. Don't let someone else's judgement make you question yourself at all. That's their issue, not yours.